The crime that really epitomizes Argentina

If anything is going to be stolen at gunpoint in this country, it should really be a hunk of steak. I think anyone who’s spent time in Argentina can agree that this country really really loves its beef, and the art of throwing meat on the parrilla is really an honored skill of any Argentine man.

Which is why, this crime is really too great to not elicit a few giggles. No one should be robbed at gunpoint (much less ROB at gunpoint) but i mean… this is just great. I can think of no where else in the world where this would be a thing.

Note: this is a REAL news story. It happened at 6:30 AM on Saturday, May 16th. Here is the news piece (praying they never take it down) http://www.minutouno.com/notas/364217-video-mira-como-un-ladron-escapa-moto-una-media-res-que-robo

If you don’t read Spanish (or can, pero te da “fiaca” as they say here) I’ll sum it up for you with a translation and some pics.

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This says: “It happened at 6:30 am Saturday, when the local meat shop ‘Varón Carnes’, located on the corner of Ameghino and Malvinas Argentinas in the city of Junín, was not yet open to the public and the workers were cutting the meat. After the robbery [stealing half a dead cow], incredibly, the criminal fled with an accomplice and the 50 kg piece of meat on his shoulder.”

This is incredible. Man walks into meat shop with a hoodie and a gun. Waves gun around, realizes there’s no money (this is me guessing, though maybe he never even went for cash) and decides to take advantage of the plethora of raw beef. Grabs half a cow, slings it over his shoulder, and bounces. ON A MOTORCYCLE. What a view. What I’m dying to know… did he eat the thing? Did he try to sell it? Who would buy a piece of meat that traveled open air, on the shoulder of a thief (I mean, he could have at least asked the fellow to Saran wrap it, no? You have a gun, why not grab some Saran wrap while at it?) whizzing through the air on a freeway? Sounds absolutely ridiculous. But as a non-fanatic meat eater (i know, i know, it’s an atrocity in this country) i guess I don’t actually know the economic value of half a cow. Maybe this was a brilliant crime, given the value of the peso these days? Though I wouldn’t say a piece of meat is a great long-term storer of value…

I’m terrified they’ll eventually take this news piece down, so pasting some video screen shots here so you really get an idea of it…

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carniceria 8(here at least he helps the fellow lift the thing down, nice little bonding experience)

carniceria 9aaaand off we go!

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carniceria 12on shoulder. Ready to rock. Where my bike and partner-in-crime at? It’s asado time!

Here’s a copy & paste of the full news piece, if you’re dying for more 🙂

Ariel Martiarena y José Ramallo estaban trabajando en la carnicería “Varón Carnes”, cuando se vieron sorprendidos por el ingreso de un ladrón. El malviviente apuntó con el arma Ramallo, tomó la media res de cerdo, se la puso al hombro y se fue.

En diálogo con el medio local, Martiarena relató: “José estaba despositando carne cuando entra el ladrón. Lo agarró con las manos arriba porque trabajando y apuntó con el arma continuamente. Yo, en un momento, salí de donde estábamos despostando la carne, con la cuchilla en la mano, sin saber lo que estaba ocurriendo en el local. El hombre se asustó y me dijo: ‘metete para adentro vos’. Yo, de un costado miraba pero estaba tranquilo, porque veía que lo que él quería sacar era un chancho, aparentemente no tenía intenciones de robar plata ni celulares ni nada más. Me llamó la atención eso”.

“Al principio, yo voy a ver qué estaba pasando porque se escuchaban muchos gritos. Escuché: ‘dame el chancho porque te tiro’ y a ahí me di cuenta que era un robo. A la mañana a veces vienen conocidos y se ponen a hablar fuerte, de futbol generalmente. Pero esto era distinto. Me asomé y el ladrón me dijo que me metiera para adentro. Y así lo hice, tenía que quedarme tranquilo, pensaba que iba a agarrar el chancho y se iba a ir. No quería que disparara. José tampoco hizo nada, largó el cuchillo. Sabemos que si vienen a robar no hay que hacerse el Rambo, que se lleven lo que quieran porque andan armados y pueden disparar“, comentó aún sorprendido por el delito.

“Y había otro chico conmigo, el que trae los pollos. Si nos agarra a los tres y nos saca la plata nuestra y los celulares, podría haber hecho más diferencia. Pero no, se llevó el medio chancho y se fue. Generalmente siempre hay media res de vaca, pero esa mañana estaba la media res de chancho”, aclaró.

Martiarena agregó que andaban dos en una moto. “Imagino que se llevaron la media res ¡en la moto! Pesa 50 kilos…¿sabés lo que es andar en una moto con medio chancho encima? La policía llegó a los 15 minutos, pero ya no había ninguno…Ya había pasado todo“, señaló.

Recordó que cuando hacía poco que habían abierto la carnicería, enseptiembre de 2013, hubo otro robo, pero en aquella oportunidad no había nadie adentro. En aquella oportunidad, los ladrones rompieron una puerta de blindex e ingresaron. “Nosotros fuimos muy confiados, no tendríamos que estar trabajando con la puerta abierta, más que sabemos que todos los viernes y sábados hay líos”, acotó.

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Expensive joke, or terrifyingly terrible campaign?

I don’t have much to say on this one, except it’s election season (which in Argentina means half the country’s GDP will be spent and 80% of its trees killed to plaster the city with tirelessly repetitive images), and the images are abound.

I had heard of this vaguely, and am 90% sure it’s a joke, but it appears to be a very expensive joke, and a very expensive reminder that Argentina does not do PC-ness.

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Side LOL factor – he goes by ”Obaca.” I die. Mr. President, perhaps your approval ratings are higher in this hemisphere.

This looks familiar…

Anyone a fan of SoulCycle? Half of San Francisco and New York? Anyone making over 90K with under 25 years of life? I see you consultants…

Well, I personally have been generally offended by the price of SoulCycle, but every time I’ve gone I’ve hated how much I’ve loved it. It’s cult-y and fake-ish but just so damn addicting. And the worst part is I was going to be a spin instructor, and I was never as good as them! Nor do I think I ever could be. Le sigh.

For those of you who do not know the cult… it’s a peppy spinning class chain with cutesy skull icon apparel and yellow bikes and yummy candles. It looks like this (thanks Google images)

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It’s $30 bucks per 45 minute sessions, and it CRUSHES. Dominates. Chicks lose their shit over this. But it’s really only made it in NY and SF (and a bit in LA), likely due to the high concentration here of tight little bodies willing to pay such figures.

Thus, imagine my surprise when I was perusing through Palermo Hollywood and found this nugget (you were probably wondering how this was going to relate to Argentina…)

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If the similarities are not glaring to you by these pictures, let me tell you, it was identical, save the blue colors on the outside. Same layout, same yellow, same skulls, same candles, same cycle room layout, same words on walls, identical. To the T. I dashed in (and not just because they strategically placed a gorgeous blue eyed Argentine at the front desk) and immediately inundated the poor fellow with questions. Have you heard of SoulCycle? Um, duh. Is this SoulCycle? No, it’s RockCycle, as you can see by our sign. Is this… legal? Yes, we purchased the rights to it. (No, you definitely didn’t, but my common sense kicked it at this point). How much are you!?? $125 pesos. Approximately $10. First instinct, not bad. Upon later reflection.. my personal trainer is $150 pesos an hour. $125 is most definitely not good. Who are your clients? Mostly expats. Dots… connected. Who else would pay half a day’s salary for a 45 minute class? Someone who’s paid in dollars, that’s who.

Now, I have not partaken in one of these surely-miraculous knock off SoulCycle classes yet, so take all this with a grain of salt. But I should elaborate on my level of excitement. I do not pay $35 for SoulCycle in America, because Crunch gym’s free spin classes are allllmost as good. Which is to say, they’re great. I’ve been hard pressed to find a BAD spin class in all my spin class days. They’re just all pretty similar (as opposed to, say, yoga, which really has no rhyme or reason to what it means to each person. Sometimes its a crazy workout, sometimes it’s laying down breathing).

Alas, in Argentina, they really do not do spin. First of all, the spin classrooms are straight out of the ’80s. Posters look 80s-tastic, bikes are from the 80s, and no one seems to have learned about sports bras, let alone spin shoes. Whatever, fine. The 80’s were a lovely time.

The unfortunate part, is they have not learned about teaching. Or music. A 45 minute class is chronically 10 minutes late (mind you this is Megatlon, the most expensive gym in this country). If a SoulCycle instructor started class 10 minutes late, there would be riots and she would be fired. Do NOT waste my time at 6:30 am. These moments are precious and must be used to torch last night’s dulce de leche. Upon starting the music, the teacher casually tells students to begin “cycling” while she walks around to saludar la gente. A little peck on the cheek and polite charla for each student, as well as some adjustments that may or may not be needed, takes up another 5-10 minutes. Good, we’re halfway through class and we haven’t started.

Teacher then begins “teaching.” Teaching and music are unrelated, and at random intervals she’ll alert you to stand, sit, increase resistance, or relax. She will randomly call out “8” or “9” which appear to be RPMs per 10 seconds, but people seem to take them as 8=slow and 9=fast. There will often be minutes without any spoken words. Often as well, my favorite, the teacher will simply time one minute intervals and say “now do something different for a minute!” “Good! Now do something else for a minute!” Bitch, I have a watch. If i wanted to frolick on my own schedule, I wouldn’t have sat in YOUR class.

Class may or may not end on schedule. There may or may not be stretching. A 45 minute class may go anywhere from 40 minutes to an hour and a half, and the teacher will look shocked and alarmed if you get up to leave at the scheduled time due to something like say, your schedule.

It should be noted that I still attend these classes. Cycling is generally always a good workout, and it’s easy to tune out the weird shit the teacher says every now and then when she’s speaking another language. Doing your own thing is mostly the point of the class anyways, so it’s all bueno.

I did take one “GAP” (gluteos, abdominales, y piernas, basically a knock off of America’s fondly named “gutts butts and thighs”) class with a little gay man who had fanTAStic rhythm, and spent the 10 minutes following class trying to teach him to teach spin. I’m sure there is someone in this country who can match songs to pedal strokes, but they just don’t teach at Megatlon. RockCycle, I have big hopes for you.

The “what not to do” of Ómbre…

Ah, the offensive hair color trend. What began in America as the “natural” dyed look has really taken a turn for the worst in the long jouney down to Buenos Aires. I’ve noticed it since my arrival, but only recently began trying to capture these gems for your pleasurable cringeworthiness. Note: I am trying to be stealthy, hence the shitty pictures, but turns out i’m not too good at it, hence the angry glances.

I’m not sure who brought ”ómbre” to Argentina, but they really should get an F in execution. And, I would like to point out, I would like it fully dissociated with the  “california style” i recently saw advertised on a box of dye…

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And then, like an answer from above, while at the gym last night… I got my answer for this mayhem. For the responsible party, or at least she-who-will-be-blamed. This actress appeared on TV, casually chatting about her “nuevo estilo.” This is what she looks like. Sigh.

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Alas, so it is. I would like to point out, I’m not sure if there was a national shortage of hair dye, but there is a solution to this problem. And it may involve simply embracing your inner castaño chicas 🙂