1. Women should not run, because it causes cellulite. The rest of the world, as well as science, is mistaken. Obviously, and for no explicable reason in particular, this is not an issue for men.
**This has been stated by not one but many Argentines, including a GYM CLASS INSTRUCTOR. Mind. Blown.
2. Dental floss is a strange invention by Americans and should not be used, as it “causes gaps in your teeth.” [I tried to explain that creating gaps was precisely the purpose, as the gaps are where food used to be. The food, it turns out, causes teeth to rot, which may be precisely the cause of the gaps. See how that works?] Also… braces.
3. Pedestrians/bicyclists… you may think you have the right of way, because of laws and stoplights and such things. But if I have a car, I call the shots around here. Have you seen what happens when a pedestrian and a car meet? Science. Act accordingly.
4. Americans are fat because they eat eggs for breakfast. Argentines eat ham and cheese sandwiches, or croissants filled with dulce de leche. Obviously, eggs are full of fat! Also, if you’re on a diet, you should eat plain white toast with butter, cream cheese and jam. Yes, all on the same piece of toast. Just go to any café and order a “desayuno light”… this is what you will get. Your welcome for cuidando tu salud. (below: croissant vs. egg calories. 10 points for ‘Merica).
5. If I cannot solve your problem, I have nothing to say about it. Someone stole your phone? Your bike? Pasa lo que pasa. You shouldn’t have locked your bike up outside, you moron. Unless I can directly help, there is zero point in dabbling in sympathetic pleasantries. I am not sorry, because it’s not my fault, and shit happens. “Welcome to Argentina.”
6. “Argentine carne is fat free.” Carne means beef, obviously, which is the only meat that matters. And it’s fat free! But only in Argentina. We’re special.
7. If i am driving, and I put my hazard lights on, it is a free pass to do anything I want. Anything. Drive backwards in a one way street the wrong way? But my hazards are on! Figure it out.
8. If we stop selling alcohol after 10 pm, it means no one will consume any alcohol past 10 pm. There will be no drunk humans, no drunk driving, and no alcoholism. This is also effective if you ban the sale of alcohol on election day. I personally wanted to vote drunk, but DAMN IT I can’t buy any today, so I guess I’ll have to vote sober.
*Also worth noting, clubs open at 3 am. #stockpile
9. There is no time or place where it is inappropriate to hit on a woman. I’m your doctor? I’m your gynecologist? If you’re attractive, you can bet I’ll give it a shot. I’m 85 and you’re 25? Sorry, old habits die hard. I’m holding my wife’s hand, but she’s looking the other way? What an opportunity. You are currently making out with someone else? Always a chance. I’m a cop, and you’re lost? How convenient…
10. Sunday is a day for family. If you want someone to help you with something, anything, tough shit. Cooking, cleaning, massages, haircuts, shopping, markets, services… forget it. You are 100% on your own, so you better plan accordingly. Also, you better like your family. If your family is in another hemisphere, you better like yourself. Or writing blogs.